After a formidable absence, and several life changing experiences, i'm picking up where i left off many moons ago.
It's been a fucking hectic year, with one thing on top of the other, each out doing the last with its magnitude of how much it messes your life up. Yet the rusty cogs of the world keep spinning. No amount of crying, soul searching or pleas for sanity stop the bills from being delivered and the roosters still crow each morning at 5 am.
The thoughts that twist and spin through your mind are evasive as fog, yet as pervasive as a spotlight shone right in your eyes. You cant ignore them, yet you cant face what you cannot find. All your insecurities, your achilles heels and the things that you suppress deep within, burble up from the murk, opening up those infected wounds again. When you wake up in the middle of the night, your mind bursting with realization and your heart beating fast and aching with hurt. Its the little things that evade your mind's numbing fortress and cut deep. 5 weeks, 2 days, 3 hours, 20 minutes. They say life is what you make it. But this. This is so definate, set in stone, a moment in time that cannot be shifted. Two little threads, broke and frayed away into the dark, while we stay intact, tied to this earth to gather dust.
Your own mortality is thrown into sharp review, with the little things that you took for granted now as much of act as the 'big, life changing' moments. Go to get milk; forget your keycard, have to pay with coins. Drive to work; die in a crash. Whats the difference between one crash and another? Why was there some one 'watching over me" and not over some one else? Faith: -10,000 points.
You cant find the words to describe all that's spinning around your head. If only you could open up a mainline, to drain it all out, into a more understandable format, rather than this confusing, 'does not compute' world-of-shit that seems to be swirling around my head. I need a drink.
I think this is enough for one post. There's plenty more where that came from. but im not sure that this is the right platform.
1 comment:
you are generally amazing... made me weep somewhat.
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